10 things your sex therapist thinks you should know about sex


1. Initial romantic love and passionate sex in a relationship usually lasts about 6 months. Long term desire comes from working on creating a functional and comfortable sexual style where you and your partner can have open communication around your desires.

2. Sex starts well before sex happens. We must respect each other’s physiologies; typically, women take a lot longer to become aroused, so this needs to be incorporated into the intimate experience. Their arousal peaks at 45 min so don’t be rushing anything!

3. Most women require additional stimulation to reach orgasm beyond intercourse. Only a small number of women say intercourse is their favourite part of a sexual experience.

4. A big key to desire is thebelief you deserve sexual pleasure and your positive anticipation of it.

5. It's a myth that having less sex leads to more desire, regular sex actually leads to more desire. When sex starts to happen less than once a month it's in danger of falling into a cycle of anxiety and unsatisfying intercourse.

6. Sex is so much more than intercourse and orgasm. It doesn’t require either.

7. Women’s sexuality has been stigmatized and oppressed in our culture, and this shows up in their relationships as there's often an underlying clash between a woman’s sexual self and their professional or motherhood role.

8. Be responsible for your own pleasure, a long-term satisfying sex life requires INTENTION, making it priority even when it feels hard. Draw on your senses to create an environment that invites intimacy. Take care of yourself. Do things that make you feel sexy and keep that part of you alive (buy lingerie, read erotica etc.).

9. Erectile dysfunction is common and treatable. It's normal for men to have trouble with their erections or experience premature ejaculation. This isn't something to be ashamed of and often your mental health plays a big role. Your brain is more important than your penis when it comes to this stuff.

I have a few excellent book suggestions should you want to learn more or expand your understanding of intimacy:


  • Becoming Cliterate by Laurie Mintz

  • Come as you are by Emily Nagoski

  • Better sex through mindfulness by Lori Brotto

  • The sex starved marriage by Michelle Weiner-Davis


~Laura

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