Am I a lesbian if I fantasize about being intimate with women?


"If I fantasize about sex with another woman during sex with my husband, does this mean I am lesbian?"


Many women report being attracted to women and the word “lesbian” is one of the most searched word on many pornography websites by both males AND females.


Women are turned on by a wider range of explicit imagery than most people realize.


Some people I meet are distressed by their sexual fantasies, but sexual fantasies are not limited to gendered sexual experiences, and such experiences are not ever cause for concern.


Sexual fantasies mean you know what arouses you which is a great benefit to your sexual fulfillment. We fantasize to feel arousal, to explore a range of subjects, to escape reality, to relax, and to sometimes explore ourselves in a more sexual way when we don’t feel comfortable or ready to do so.


These fantasies are not always directly connected to a deep real-life desire. You can enjoy and feel aroused by same sex encounters and never identify as lesbian. However, they could also mean you may want to further explore this part of you through self exploration and reflection. For many people, the fantasy itself is enough to feel aroused that they may decide to never act on it. In fact, sometimes people find out that real-life fantasies are not as enjoyable as imagined.

Fantasies are often-but not always- just that, fantasy. You thinking about women during sex with your husband does not mean you need to leave him and identify as lesbian. Believe it or not, most of us are somewhat sexually fluid, meaning that our sexuality falls on a spectrum and women naturally fluctuate more than men on the spectrum, very few are 100% straight.


I recommend people not get caught up in a label for their sexuality.


There is a flip side to this story - what if these feelings are queer in nature (as mentioned, sexuality is fluid) being a lesbian, pansexual and bisexual are examples where these thoughts could also be coming from; the latter two definitions are not commonly understood. Let me explain.


Pansexuality is characterized by sexual or romantic attraction that is not limited to people of a certain gender identity or sexual orientation. Bisexuality is characterized by sexual or romantic attraction to people of one's same sex and those of the opposite sex.


In short, I would encourage you to continue to reflect on these thoughts and feelings and how they sit with you, and realize that all feelings are valid. It could be something that is truly only a fantasy or it could mean that you should explore your sexuality further with a trusted friend or therapist.

Next month I’ll be answering this question:

"Do you want to WANT sex?"

~ Laura


Got a sex question? You can ask anonymously right here. I’ll answer as many as I can in my upcoming emails.


We're here if you want to talk :)

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