Why I think every couple should go to couples counselling.......thoughts from a client

I went to couples counselling with my partner when we were buying a house and, years later, we still go. Do we have such a terrible relationship that we need constant support from a counsellor? No. Have we taken breaks from counselling throughout the years? Yes. But why do we keep going back? Because every couple can always improve their communication and during times of great change I like to make sure we are communicating. My husband and I are in the most rapidly changing period of our lives: we have a daughter, we both work, we may expand our family, we own a house, our families are aging… There’s always a lot on the go. So couples counselling helps me slow that all down and remember, “Oh yeah, I married you, I love you, I want to make sure we make it forever”. 

My husband and I were not even engaged when we went to couples’ therapy. Some would say “well if you go to counselling before you’re even married then that’s a sign”… 

It was not really a sign, more like opening the door of possibilities for our relationship. 

We’ve all seen those couples who bicker all the time because one partner isn’t understanding (or sometimes listening) to the other partner. Maybe that’s the dynamic you grew up with, so you allow it to exist in your relationship. Some people allow this dynamic to exist in their relationship for years, sweeping it under the bus because “every couple argues” (yes, that is true! But how you argue is important). 

One of the most important things my husband and I learnt in couples counselling was about The Four Horseman (a concept created by the Gottman’s who are basically famous for being the couple gurus of the 21stcentury). The Four Horseman are “ways” that someone fights that negatively impacts the argument or the relationship. 

What are the four horsemen? Contempt, criticism, stonewalling, and defensiveness. 

Do I still use these in arguments? OBVIOUSLY, everyone does. But knowing they exist helps me realize that I’m using them and take a moment to re-think and re-phrase. Is that really important? I think so. How you respond to someone impacts how the conversation will flow. If you’re defensive when you’re triggered and come at your partner at a constant 10/10, they’re not going to want to open up or approach you.

I even think about “do I use these?” when talking to family members, especially when I’m upset. The awareness helps prevent arguments from snowballing. 

It’s this and other little tid bits that have helped me in my relationships and that’s why I think all couples should go to couples counselling.

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~ Laura, Clinical Therapist Call (506) 651-1239 or BOOK ONLINE