An Open Letter to Parents Whose Kids Are in Therapy (From a Therapist)
Dear parents (of kids in therapy past, present or future),
First—take a deep breath. If your child is in therapy, that means you’re doing something courageous. You’re seeking help. You care. And that matters. A lot. But let’s be honest about something that’s hard to say and sometimes harder to hear:
Your child is not the problem to fix. Therapy isn’t about making them “easier” to parent, less emotional, less reactive or more obedient. It’s about helping them feel safe, understood and supported—starting at home.
That means you are part of the work. Maybe even the biggest part.
It’s tempting to think of therapy like an oil change—you drop your child off, someone does the tune-up, and you pick them up “better.” But that’s not how healing works. That’s not how connection works.
If your child is struggling with anxiety, emotional outbursts, school avoidance, perfectionism, disconnection or deep sadness, it’s not a reflection of them being “broken.” It’s a reflection of the world they’re growing up in—including the dynamics at home.
And that’s not about blame, it's about ownership. Because your child's nervous system learns from yours.
Children regulate by co-regulating with the adults around them. If your child is constantly on edge, melting down, or shutting down, they’re not giving you a hard time—they’re having a hard time. And their nervous system is often mirroring yours. I think this was the hardest part for me to swallow when I became a parent. My children becoming a mirror for me.
I find myself coming back to a line from a psychologist that my friend and fellow therapist absolutely love: Dr Becky Kennedy, she says “The goal isn’t to shrink the hard parts of our children, but to grow the parts of ourselves that can handle them.” You have an opportunity—not to control or correct—but to show up differently. To slow down. To respond instead of react. To reflect instead of defend.
Therapy can help your child develop coping tools, emotional language, and healthy boundaries. But unless the people they come home to are part of that journey, they’ll be left navigating it alone.
Therapy can offer tools. Insight. Space. Validation. But the most meaningful change happens in the day-to-day:
It's in how you respond to their big emotions
Whether you apologize when you mess up
Whether you listen with curiosity instead of judgment
Whether you do your own healing work, not just theirs
You don’t have to be perfect, but you do have to be present. Open. Willing. And humble enough to admit that maybe, just maybe, the work doesn’t end with them—it starts with you, too.
So, what can you do?
Ask their therapist how you can be involved (not if, how).
Be open to family sessions, parenting support, and most importantly, your own therapy.
Resist the urge to make therapy about managing behaviour. Ask instead: What’s underneath the behaviour?
Check your language. Don’t say “Why can’t you just…?” Say, “Help me understand what’s going on.”
Model what you want them to learn. Emotional regulation. Accountability. Empathy. Boundaries.
This letter isn’t here to shame you—it’s here to invite you, parent to parent. Into the work. Into the relationship. Into the deep, powerful possibility of showing up for your child in a new way. I would love to hear your feedback and experiences. Reach out and let me know what you think!
- Laura