More Yes, Less No: Handling Rejection in the Bedroom
Let’s be real: rejection sucks. Nobody likes it, but it’s actually a normal part of a healthy sex life. Why? Because no couple wants sex at the exact same time and frequency, every single time. Desire just doesn’t work like that. That means that if you are in a long-term relationship, there will be countless mismatched moments—sometimes the stars align, and many times they don’t.
Here’s what I see in my practice: usually one partner takes on the role of the “pursuer” of sex and intimacy, while the other ends up being the “decider.” If a couple hasn’t figured out a good rhythm for handling rejection, things can go downhill fast. Feelings get hurt, assumptions creep in (“They don’t want me anymore, they aren’t attracted to me," etc.), and eventually, the pursuing partner gives up trying, often due to exhaustion or shame. Oftentimes, a lot of the blame and shame is felt by the person saying no.
I like to call this sexual initiation dance a bit of a numbers game. Not every attempt is going to be a yes, and that’s okay. The key is to keep trying and to learn to talk about the feelings that come along with rejection in a non-defensive, non-blaming way. If you are never the pursuer, I encourage you to take that on sometimes, too—it goes a long way in helping your partner feel desired and keeps things from feeling one-sided.
If you’re the pursuing partner, pay attention to when you make your move. If your partner just survived a long day at work, wrangled kids, or is running on fumes, chances are it’s going to be a “no.” Not because they don’t want you, but because their body and brain are fried, and it may not be as easy for them to become aroused as it is for you.
Being intentional about timing shows respect and increases your odds of success. Think of it like planting a seed—you want good conditions for it to grow. That means pursuing them during moments when your partner feels relaxed, connected, or supported. Sometimes that’s a Saturday morning cuddle, a slow Sunday afternoon, or after you’ve helped take some weight off their plate. Good sex isn’t just about desire—it’s about context. Set the stage well, and your chances of a “yes” go way up.
Lastly, I encourage all my clients to think beyond the bedroom. Emotional intimacy is foreplay—listening, laughing, and showing up daily keeps you from sliding into “roommate mode.” Don’t leave all the effort to your partner—share the responsibility of planning dates and creating connection. Attraction also fades fast when one person carries the mental load of managing the household, so sharing that work isn’t just fair, it’s sexy. Show affection without an agenda—touch, hugs, and kisses should stand on their own, not only as a warm-up for sex. And remember, emotional connection always comes first; without it, intimacy risks feeling more like pressure than partnership.
At the end of the day, rejection doesn’t have to mean defeat. It just means the timing wasn’t right this time. The more you stay engaged with each other, communicate your needs vulnerably and honestly, switch roles at times, and keep putting energy into your sex life, the better your chances of hearing “yes”—tonight and in the long run.