Sex Q&A: How Do I Talk To My Wife About Her Low Libido Levels?
Mismatched libido is one of the most common issues that brings clients to sex therapy. It is so important to approach the conversation with empathy and a focus on connection rather than blame or frustration. Easier said than done, especially if you've built up any hurt or resentment.
Firstly, understand that libido isn’t just about physical desire; it’s influenced by so many factors including stress, emotional well-being, your relationship dynamics, and even societal or familial messages that she has received about sex. Recognizing that your wife’s libido is part of a much larger context of her life experiences is key.
Make sure you make time to talk about sex when you aren’t having sex, and choose a time and place where you can talk without distractions or pressure. Make it clear you recognize that this is a couples issue and not a “her issue”.
Many women carry a lot of shame for not wanting to be intimate as much as their partners, and this conversation can really bring that out if it's not approached sensitively.
"I" statements are always a good idea. For example: “I’ve noticed that we haven’t been as intimate lately, and I miss that connection with you. I want to understand how we can address this together.”
Women’s sexual desire often operates differently from men’s. It’s not just about being “in the mood”; it’s about feeling safe, connected and free from stress. Share with her that you understand libido can be complex and that you’re willing to explore this together.
Give her the space to share her thoughts and feelings. Listen actively and validate her experiences. Say things like, “I understand that you’ve been under a lot of stress, and that can definitely impact how you feel about sex.” Ask open-ended questions to understand what might help her feel more desire. She may not know and may need some suggestions.
Changes in libido don’t happen overnight. Show your commitment to supporting her and being patient as you both navigate this together. Threats never lead to more sex.
Remember, libido is a normal, often fluctuating part of life. Conversations around sex need to happen early and often for best results.
