When Did You Become So Angry?
I’ve always had a strong personality. I care deeply, have strong opinions and move quickly. When something matters to me, you usually don’t have to wonder how I feel about it.
But I’ve learned something about myself over the years: sometimes when I look angry, anger isn’t actually what I’m feeling.
Sometimes I’m hurt, scared, disappointed or overwhelmed. Sometimes I feel rejected or unheard. And anger is the feeling that gets there first.
Maybe you know that feeling too.
Your kids ask one more question and you lose your patience. Your partner says something small and suddenly you’re furious. Someone disappoints you, and instead of telling them how much it hurt, you get cold.
Afterward, you think, Why did I react like that?
As a therapist, I’ve sat with many people who tell me they have an “anger problem.” Sometimes anger absolutely is the problem. But often, when we get curious about what’s underneath it, we find hurt, fear, resentment or the feeling that we’ve asked for the same thing a hundred times and nobody is listening.
Anger can feel safer than those emotions. There’s strength in anger and vulnerability in saying, “That really hurt me.”
So we yell, become defensive, shut down or pull away. Sometimes we convince ourselves that everyone around us is the problem.
But the people we love can experience our anger long before they understand our pain.
Your child may not know you’re overwhelmed; they just know Mom or Dad seems mad all the time. Your partner may not understand how unimportant you feel; they just know everything seems to turn into an argument.
Eventually, people start responding to the version of us they’re experiencing. They become careful about what they say, stop bringing things up or give us space. Sometimes they stop trying altogether.
And that can leave us feeling even more alone, misunderstood and angry.
That’s the cruel thing about anger: sometimes what we use to protect ourselves from hurt creates more of the disconnection that was hurting us in the first place.
So if you’ve been wondering, Why am I so angry?, another question worth asking is: What might be underneath my anger?
The goal isn’t to never get angry. Anger is human, and sometimes it’s important. It tells us when something feels unfair, unsafe or needs to change.
But if your anger is affecting your relationships, parenting, work or how you feel about yourself, don’t wait until the damage becomes the reason you finally address it.
The people you love shouldn’t have to lose access to the best parts of you before you decide something needs to change.
And neither should you.