When The Person Who Knew You Best Is Gone
This past weekend, I attended the celebration of life for a friend's mom who passed away suddenly a few months ago. I've been to many funerals and celebrations of life over the years, but this one will stay with me forever.
As I sat and listened and cried, I was captivated by the extraordinary life Suzanne had lived. One by one, people stood to share stories, sing songs, and honour her impact on them and the community as a whole. They didn't just talk about what Suzanne had accomplished. They talked about how she made them feel. How she believed in them before they believed in themselves. How she welcomed people, encouraged them, and saw something in them they couldn't yet see in themselves. How she built community.
Some spoke through tears. Others smiled as they laughed at memories. Every story was different, but they all pointed to the same truth: One person had quietly changed countless lives simply by the way she loved people and showed up for them in the moments they most needed it.
As I drove home, I found myself thinking about the people who have shaped my own life. And then I thought about all of you. Because if you've ever lost a parent, there's a good chance someone came to mind as you read those words. Maybe it was your mom. Maybe it was your dad. Maybe it was your grandmother. The person you instinctively wanted to call when something exciting happened. The one who always answered the phone.
The one who worried about you, even when you insisted you were fine. The one who remembered your childhood stories, your first heartbreak, your biggest dreams, and every version of you long before the world knew your name. When we lose a parent, we don't just lose someone we love. We lose one of the few people who knew our story from the very beginning. The person who was there before the career. Before the marriage. Before the children. Before the successes. Before the mistakes. They knew us when we had nothing to prove.
As a therapist, I've had the privilege of sitting with many people navigating the loss of a parent. One thing I've learned is that grief rarely looks the way we expect it to.
Sometimes it looks like tears. Sometimes it looks like anxiety. Sometimes it's finding yourself snapping at the people you love or feeling exhausted all the time. Sometimes it's lying awake at night because your mind won't slow down. Sometimes it's feeling guilty for laughing. And sometimes it doesn't show up until months, or even years later, when life finally becomes quiet enough for us to feel what we've been carrying.
One of the greatest misconceptions about grief is that time somehow makes it disappear. In my experience, that's rarely true. Grief often lives in the ordinary moments. It's hearing exciting news and instinctively reaching for your phone before remembering they won't answer. It's standing in the grocery store, wondering how long to cook the turkey, wishing you could ask your mom "just one more time."
It's watching your own children grow up and wishing they could have known the grandparent you knew. It's hearing a song that instantly brings them back. It's catching the scent of a familiar perfume or aftershave. It's wanting to tell them about your day. Or simply wishing you could hear their voice one more time. It's a loss you have to experience all over again.
As I left Suzanne's celebration of life, I realized something. Every person in that room was carrying a piece of her forward. In the way they encourage others. In the kindness they show. In the confidence she helped them discover. That's what love does. It leaves fingerprints on the people it touches. And perhaps that's the greatest gift our parents leave us. They continue to shape us long after they're gone.
Because that's how we keep the people we love with us, not by refusing to let go, but by allowing the best parts of them to continue living through us. And if carrying that loss has become heavier than you expected, please know you don't have to carry it alone. You don’t have to keep pretending you’re okay while hoping tomorrow feels easier.
We have an incredible team of therapists who are here to support you. If you want to speak to someone about grief, or anything else you’re dealing with, contact us today. We’ll match you with a therapist who can help you through it so that you can start having more good days than hard ones.