I Love My Kids, but I Miss My Old Life. Do You?
I love my kids, but I miss my old life.
I don't think many parents ever say those words out loud.
Not because they don't think them. Because they're afraid of what those words might mean.
If I miss my old life, does that make me ungrateful? Does it make me a bad parent? Does it mean I don't love my kids enough?
I actually don't think that's what it means at all. In fact, I think it's one of the biggest conversations we're not having.
So often I talk with parents who tell me they're anxious. They're overwhelmed. They're exhausted. They feel like they're failing. Their relationship isn't what it used to be. They don't feel like themselves anymore. Very few of them walk into therapy and say, "I miss who I used to be." But as we talk, that's often what we discover together.
I know I've felt it too. I absolutely love being a mom. My children are the greatest joy of my life. And yet, if I'm honest, there have been seasons where I've missed parts of the person I used to be. Not because I wanted my old life back. But because I hadn't realized how much of myself I'd left behind while building this new one.
No one really prepares us for that. We talk a lot about everything we gain when we become parents, but we don't talk nearly enough about what we let go of. The freedom to make spontaneous plans. The quiet. The version of ourselves who wasn't responsible for everyone else's needs. The relationship that existed before children. The dreams that looked different. Sometimes even the confidence we once had.
When those parts of us disappear, we tend to tell ourselves to stop complaining.
"Other people have it harder."
"I should just be grateful."
"This is what being a parent is."
So we push the feelings down and convince ourselves we'll eventually feel like ourselves again. But what if you're not supposed to?
What if the goal isn't to become the person you used to be? What if this season is inviting you to become someone new?
I think that's why so many parents describe themselves as anxious, overwhelmed, irritable or disconnected. Not because they're doing anything wrong. Because becoming someone new is hard.
Change can really suck.
Even when it's beautiful.
Even when you chose it.
Even when you'd never go back.
I've learned that it's possible to deeply love the life you're living while still grieving the life you've left behind. Those two things can exist together. One doesn't cancel out the other.
So if you've caught yourself thinking, "I don't even know who I am anymore," I hope you'll know you're not alone. And if you've convinced yourself that you just need to push through a little longer, I hope you'll reconsider that too. You deserve the same compassion you give everyone else.
If this feels familiar, you know where to find us.